Tuesday, May 5, 2009

cup a' joe:

The last few weeks have been horrific for the country, the epidemic of the Porky Influenza has reached rumored exponential amounts...quite possibly invoking the use of "many a cases"; a phrase that statistically means 'a lot of' in epidemic terminologies of old.

When faced with potential deaths; most importantly a decline in bacon sales, we elected officials have a duty to protect our public, inform the border control, and use tax payer dollars to enable media frenzy and public chaos.

My dear friend and colleague (and the most handsome devil on the hill) has recently undergone heavy scrutiny for his recent comments on the Today Show. I am absolutely appalled at the nasty media sludge that is being targeted his way.

In Joe's defense Matt Lauer is a terrible interviewer, he has infuriated a number of important icons, including Tom Cruise on the Today Show. Lauer has even tried to pick fights with me via mac book web cam on a number of occasions; his attempts thankfully thwarted due to web cam delay. Matt's questions are not only irrelevant, but show his lack of preparation for interviewing our tannest VP to date. Lauer's sheer hatred of all politicians and government is obviously at anarchical levels.

J.B. is right...I wouldn't get on a plane at all right now, nor would I advise my friends and family to sequester themselves amongst the snorting, squealing, infectious piglet masses. Our country needs to be on lock-down, this is for our own good.

In support, I am currently drafting a Bill that would allow all airlines the discrepant use of discriminant and prejudicial profiling to seek out potential carriers of this disease and rid them of their right to fly or use any and all means of public transit. I am also proposing that the use of Pig Latin be an illegality in all 50 states. The last part of the bill would be to remove any and all copies of Charlotte's Web from popular circulation amongst school boards and classrooms. I think that if we make these necessary changes our country will be back to normal within an estimated amount of time; meaning, days, months, and or years.

So to you public commoners I say, please give Joe a fair chance and understand where he is coming from. The airlines so up in arms over his comments should only blame themselves for allowing this disease into our country. And Lauer should stop picking on important people and start belittling religious figures instead. Let's see how the Pope handles a hard ball Matty, let's see.

Thank you again for listening to my rant, it is just because I care so much.

Stay Sexy America,

president in training: reagan


Kalli Ko said...

happy birthday you blonde bombshell!

I heart you!

Stephanie said...

I fully support your bill. I think the book Charlotte's Web only teaches that it is ok to play with pigs. Obviously that is not okay look at what has happened, I blame E.B. White.

Lacking Productivity said...

You kill me! But in the good way. Not the real way, like how the flu might do it.

Louise | UPrinting.com said...

LOL! I love your sarcasm. Like it's my own child. :D
I blame Charlotte's Web too.